Okay. Sorry. [Now he feels bad that he's been annoying enough for Daniel to have to say all that, but he knows the best way to make up for it is to just fucking communicate instead of feeling weird about it.]
Um, I've just been like...on this...trajectory of feeling really shitty, and I keep doing things to try to feel better but none of it seems to be changing it? But some things have at least pushed it away for awhile and that seems better than nothing. If my body hurts I can push away the other hurt for awhile, you know? Does that make sense?
Yeah. I've been sparring with people who can definitely kick my arse and like, it's fine, but half the time I end up thinking this would be better if we were going to fuck now and that feels kind of weird to think but, I dunno, I thought of you.
Not that punching is necessarily a good pain, there's better.
Well, what kind of pain do you think would be better? I've got all kinds - are you thinking more of a flogging session, or something like candle wax or needles?
Needles? Uh...I dunno, I've never tried them? Candle wax is good, but only if it's the kind that hurts, not the kind that's like a tickle. Hitting is also good.
You don't have to know exactly what you want, I'm just getting a vague idea so I know what I can sic on you.
Needles tend to be a pain that starts small and sharp and builds up to a lovely bit of heat and ache. You can do a lot of fun things with them. If you don't like a bit of blood, they're not the best choice. I definitely have the kind that hurts - and about a thousand things to hit you with.
Breathplay... yeah, it's a thing. Definitely one of the riskier ways to play, it can be a little unpredictable and if I put my hands wrong you could get seriously hurt. If you're sure you want to give it a shot, we can.
Hmm. Well, I do have magical healing. And if I do the thing where I'm less alive I don't need air, so if I panicked I'd have an easy out. A safety catch. Does that help?
Also you should definitely not let me come. [There's a twist of mischief to his voice, a little show that all the good and joyful parts of him are still in there.]
I...that's a good question, actually. Not like, overly soft? I think that would just make it hard to forget. Hard to say. Maybe, can you tell me more what harsh or soft would look like?
I mean, I can tailor either to what you'd need. [He's done this for years, after all.]
Harsh would be... telling you you deserve the pain, telling you things like shut up and take it, calling you names, shoving you around, any or all of that - take or leave what you want.
Soft would be more encouraging, telling you you're good, you're taking it well, I'm proud of you praising you, kissing you... again, whatever you need.
[He's quiet for a minute as he tries to process both of those.]
I honestly have no idea. Is there a middle option? Like...not really telling me I'm good or bad so much as like...we're here and we're doing this and we're gonna see it through? Maybe a touch on the soft side in the sense of like, telling me I can handle it if I get overwhelmed but not going overly into the affection?
I think what I'm getting at is less a force for a certain emotion and more a force for grounding. Does that make sense?
The being really harsh thing sounds kind of intriguing, so maybe stick a pin in that for later? I don't think anyone's ever really done that to me before in like...a good way. I'm just not sure it's good right now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice;
I...I guess I'm not sure really what I need? But this...sounds like the next good thing to try, as weird as that sounds.
voice;
[He does remember that sometimes Vax has a little bit of an easier time talking about it with some distance.]
voice;
The problem is I don't really want to...put this on anyone, I guess? Everything I am right now?
[He's being weird again, isn't he?] Maybe I oughta shut up and keep it simple.
voice;
[He sighs.]
You're not a burden, Vax, and neither are your feelings. Lay it on me, everything you think you might need to.
voice;
Um, I've just been like...on this...trajectory of feeling really shitty, and I keep doing things to try to feel better but none of it seems to be changing it? But some things have at least pushed it away for awhile and that seems better than nothing. If my body hurts I can push away the other hurt for awhile, you know? Does that make sense?
voice;
[The fey really need to abduct a therapist at some point. Or a pharmacist.]
Sure. Physical pain releases endorphins that elevate mood for a while, that's a documented fact.
[It's not a permanent fix, but... he knows Vax's reluctance to talk about his problems. Or anything.]
So, you want me to kick your arse to help you get through the rough bit? I can do that.
voice;
Not that punching is necessarily a good pain, there's better.
voice;
Well, what kind of pain do you think would be better? I've got all kinds - are you thinking more of a flogging session, or something like candle wax or needles?
voice;
Are you stunned by the specificity?
voice;
Needles tend to be a pain that starts small and sharp and builds up to a lovely bit of heat and ache. You can do a lot of fun things with them. If you don't like a bit of blood, they're not the best choice. I definitely have the kind that hurts - and about a thousand things to hit you with.
voice;
Oh, um, I've kind of been thinking about like...restricting my air, too? I know that's a thing.
voice;
Breathplay... yeah, it's a thing. Definitely one of the riskier ways to play, it can be a little unpredictable and if I put my hands wrong you could get seriously hurt. If you're sure you want to give it a shot, we can.
voice;
voice;
[The thing where he's less alive is creepy, but hey, we're all dead here.]
voice;
Also you should definitely not let me come. [There's a twist of mischief to his voice, a little show that all the good and joyful parts of him are still in there.]
voice;
And what sort of attitude do you want this to have? Harsh or soft?
voice;
I...that's a good question, actually. Not like, overly soft? I think that would just make it hard to forget. Hard to say. Maybe, can you tell me more what harsh or soft would look like?
voice;
Harsh would be... telling you you deserve the pain, telling you things like shut up and take it, calling you names, shoving you around, any or all of that - take or leave what you want.
Soft would be more encouraging, telling you you're good, you're taking it well, I'm proud of you praising you, kissing you... again, whatever you need.
voice;
I honestly have no idea. Is there a middle option? Like...not really telling me I'm good or bad so much as like...we're here and we're doing this and we're gonna see it through? Maybe a touch on the soft side in the sense of like, telling me I can handle it if I get overwhelmed but not going overly into the affection?
I think what I'm getting at is less a force for a certain emotion and more a force for grounding. Does that make sense?
voice;
We can definitely make that work.
voice;
When d'you wanna...you know. Meet up?
voice;
Whenever you'd like, I don't have anything on my schedule for tonight or the next few days.
voice;
Tonight then, maybe?
voice;
voice;